Fear, Frustration, Impatience, or, the Idolatry of Saving Money

I have in mind a few projects that I’d like to pursue, but am nagged by a few leaky thoughts. Write them down, I think to myself, work through them – so, here they are, to face the harshness of articulation:

1. I am afraid to start without just the right set of cameras and lenses. Afraid of wasting the idea on an imperfect setup. Afraid that I would not be able to translate the idea to reality with what I have. And yet, I am not willing to spend on what I think I need. So, I am stuck.
2. I am frustrated because a large part of what I want to do – my own printing and bookmaking – cannot be done without an initial capital investment, which I am torn about. Again, I am stuck.
3. I am impatient, unable to get out to shoot, having to ruminate rather than create. I wonder how long it will take for these projects to be done, whether the length of time it will take is worth it at all. And yet again, stuck.

I try to put a lid on these thoughts. Distract. Plan. Pontificate. I remind myself, “You are not an artist.” I am not sure this helps. It isn’t about the gear – of course it isn’t, until it is. The hints of blurriness here and there, the limited number of pixels (as if what I have is not enough!), the lack of reach. I try to convince myself that it will be all the more impressive if I finish these projects with just what I have.

These words are not helping. Let’s try something else.

I will just have to do something. I will just have to decide. It is not morally wrong to invest in what I need to do what I want. I can choose to pursue these projects, if I think they are worthwhile. I can do these things because, well, I am a human being, with goals, with agency, with desire. I need not deny myself with some false economy – what are resources for if not for enabling creation? What will I remember – the saved money or the work?

Do the work. Pursue the work. Make the work, well, work.

You are free to invest the time, money and energy that you want into these projects. They are yours to do, and no one else can do them in the exact same way as you plan to. If you don’t need to buy the thing to do the work, don’t. But if you do, then do. You are not beholden to your money (this too is idolatry, the inordinate desire to save).

That’s better.

Focus on the work – the rest will fall into place.